You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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