first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
