Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
