dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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