Where did you get a picture of my penis
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I faked an abortion last night.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I pour the whiskey from now on
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
