It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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