My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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