I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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