go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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