I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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