Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
