have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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