he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
