I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
