i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
