Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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