Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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