so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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