Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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