Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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