Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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