I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
