Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
