I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
