I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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