the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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