So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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