Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
