there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
