The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize