I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
