I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
