Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
