i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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