He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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