you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
