He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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