Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize