Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
