Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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