I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
