Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
