I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
