I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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