Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
