What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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