Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
