Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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