Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
