I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
