update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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