I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
