theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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