I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
