Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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