You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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