I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
