feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
