Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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