Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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