Did you just see the Batmobile???
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
