I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize