Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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