my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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