i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
