Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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