im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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