Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my poor anus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
