I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Fuck appropriateness.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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