i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i've created a new STD.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
