a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
cat food counts as protein by the way
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
NoShamevember. You game?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize